a glimpse into my heart

They said it would get easier as time passed. They said the pain would lessen. The memories surrounding that day would diminish. But four years later, I'm not sure I believe it. I have experienced death. I know how it feels to be in utter despair. I'm showing my heart. I know the pain of having someone ripped from my life. I know the peace that comes from healing. As my mind wanders back four years ago to the days leading up to her death I feel many different emotions. I battle regret and I battle grief. Its hard to believe it has been so long. Four years of a new normal and yet it doesn't feel possible. I've learned its okay. Healing takes time but do we ever fully heal or are we just never the same? Is it normal to still cry every now and then? Or are those emotions supposed to be long gone? Is it possible that God has already brought healing from the ashes? Will I ever remember her face or her voice again? I don't talk about this often. I fear letting people in. Letting people see the pain in my heart after so much death. I don't think anyone should know. I don't think anyone should see the depth of pain. But Jesus sees it and He weeps with me. He feels for me. He is moved to grieve with me. Looking back on the heart wrenching pain of 2 years of great loss I see Jesus. I see pain, tears, and anger. But covering all that I see Jesus with a depth of love far greater then anything I will ever know. Death doesn't make sense. I don't get to tally up my losses and understand why. But I can rest in the truth that He loves me. This means He knew from before I was born that I would see death to this magnitude. He planned it and walked with me every step of the way even when I pushed Him away. He still chased after me and loved me through it all. This humbles me because I do not deserve this. Who am I that God would take the time to care about someone in my life dying? I pushed God away through all the death and still He loves me. So no I don't understand and looking back I don't see how I got through it but by the power of Jesus.