Christmas Lights

I was driving the other day, trying to get my mind off the stress surrounding me at home. It was finals week in mid December. I was so completely exhausted from trying to get good grades and finish my tests.I was driving around to see Christmas lights in my neighborhood. The first house I saw was so beautifully decorated, there were so many lights and beautiful music playing. I thought to myself wow that family must be really enjoying this season. I figured they were just so happy. Then I saw it, the reality of this family's life. Instead of the joy that normally surrounds Christmas time, they were filled with grief. A husband and wife grieving the loss of their little girl who passed earlier that year. A young man overcome with sadness and loneliness without his sister. A daughter torn apart by the impending divorce of her parents ten year marriage. She had convinced herself long ago that this was all her fault. Never would this family be the same. I drove on I couldn't bear the thought of all this sadness and I had started to tear up. The next house I approached was even more extravagant then the last! Joyous music filled the air, beautiful lights everywhere, and a huge blow up Santa. And then again I saw it, a family of four struggling to make it. The husband has just lost his job and doesn't know how he will provide for his family. They are months behind on their house payments. There are no presents under their tree and little food in their pantry. The tears were falling steady now as I drove home. Then as I approached my house I looked closely at my neighbors. I realized I had forgotten their names. I saw it clear as day an elderly couple more in love then ever before but being torn apart by cancer. The lovely woman has cancer and is losing her fight. Why don't I ever talk to them? Their decorations stood out to me although it was not much. A few strings of lights and a manger scene. I lost it at that point, I was crying so hard I couldn't even manage to pull into my driveway. I had been so focused on my own life that I missed the things going on around me. I missed the opportunities and most of all I was missing the importance of Christmas. But as I stared at that manger and the reality behind it I remembered Jesus' birth.

a glimpse into my heart

They said it would get easier as time passed. They said the pain would lessen. The memories surrounding that day would diminish. But four years later, I'm not sure I believe it. I have experienced death. I know how it feels to be in utter despair. I'm showing my heart. I know the pain of having someone ripped from my life. I know the peace that comes from healing. As my mind wanders back four years ago to the days leading up to her death I feel many different emotions. I battle regret and I battle grief. Its hard to believe it has been so long. Four years of a new normal and yet it doesn't feel possible. I've learned its okay. Healing takes time but do we ever fully heal or are we just never the same? Is it normal to still cry every now and then? Or are those emotions supposed to be long gone? Is it possible that God has already brought healing from the ashes? Will I ever remember her face or her voice again? I don't talk about this often. I fear letting people in. Letting people see the pain in my heart after so much death. I don't think anyone should know. I don't think anyone should see the depth of pain. But Jesus sees it and He weeps with me. He feels for me. He is moved to grieve with me. Looking back on the heart wrenching pain of 2 years of great loss I see Jesus. I see pain, tears, and anger. But covering all that I see Jesus with a depth of love far greater then anything I will ever know. Death doesn't make sense. I don't get to tally up my losses and understand why. But I can rest in the truth that He loves me. This means He knew from before I was born that I would see death to this magnitude. He planned it and walked with me every step of the way even when I pushed Him away. He still chased after me and loved me through it all. This humbles me because I do not deserve this. Who am I that God would take the time to care about someone in my life dying? I pushed God away through all the death and still He loves me. So no I don't understand and looking back I don't see how I got through it but by the power of Jesus.

fragile. handle with care

Life is fragile. Here today. Gone the next. Yet we live like we have everyday laid out before us. Like nothing can stop us. Like we are invincible. But if anyone has learned this isn't true it would be my church. I'm sure if you have a TV you have heard the tragic news by now. I have heard the story a thousand different times, many different ways. Seems everyone knows. My heart is indeed heavy. The cry of my heart is that they would find Jacob. None of this makes sense. And as we have come together as a church family broken & mourning, the Lord has spoken truth. My pastor taught yesterday just 4 days after the accident. He did numerous interviews. God is being glorified. But in the midst of all of this many of us have asked why? Why would two lives be taken so early in such a tragic way? It doesn't seem fair and it just doesn't make sense to our finite minds. We aren't promised tomorrow. Our lives are not our own. Life is on loan from God. He's writing our life story and he determines life & death. If only we could stay focused and remember this. This is a tragic time for our church family. It aapears many are walking around in a haze taking life one day and sometimes one hour at a time. Trusting God and believing that eventually they can find Jacob. Trusting that God will bring comfort to Shar and her entire family as she mourns the lost of her two young boys. Just a word of encouragement to my readers: love a little greater today. Appreciate the little things. Take mental photos of important moments. Say I love you just a little more. Thank God for every blessing in your life no matter the size.

My Heros

Jesus Evan Bubbles Taylor Morgan Massey Josh Miller Siaira Cristina Sarinana Mommy and Daddy Mere Kyra Cayla Sierra Sarah Brandon Sean Uncle Bobby & Auntie Susan

writing

http://www.cc-ea.org/youngadults/# I also help write on my church blog and thought you might be interested in reading my post :)

a promise

Wow. It's been awhile. So much has been going on lately & life is crazy. I decided to share some stuff on my heart. Many of you know parts of my dark past. My life before Christ. However there are still deep things I don't t share with just anyone. God has forgiven those dark sins. Today I was sitting in my last class of the semester and we were having communion. I looked down at my hand and saw my promise ring. All I could think was Gods forgiven me. He went to the cross for my impure sins. And yes you have guessed it. Evan and I are promised. My ring is gorgeous & I can't until God calls us to become married (whenever that is). There were days I thought a guy would never truly love me. Now I know God had the perfect one all along. And even though I messed up God still bought redemption. Now I am in a pure relationship devoted to Jesus. PS: I love him a lot