some thoughts and a heavy heart!

Ahh where to begin? Life is so crazy right now. It's spinning so fast. Sr year is crazy stuff as I prepare for my life. I mean really the rest of my life. The rest of my life begins June 8th of 2011 as I say goodbye to childhood and hello to adulthood. It seems too crazy that I have made it this far. It's just in light of what I went through in HS it's a huge accomplishment to be here now. So much I have to do these days. Job searching, college cover letters, applications for student financial aid, prepping for grad stuff and laying out my college plans. I guess this is the weird transition from childhood to adulthood. It's just so bizarre and so foreign. It's become increasingly difficult to prepare myself for what is to come after graduation. I know June is far off but it will be here before I know it. What's happening on the home front? Well God is breaking me once again and molding me more into his image (always fun!!). I am praying my way into some exciting new ministry stuff. And I am getting good grades!! But boy have things been ever so tough! I feel hard pressed on every side. I don't do well around this time of year as I a slew of emotions regarding death seem to rise up in me. It seems that I have lost so many people between August and December that I don't even have time to remember each one of them. This can be difficult on me because I can't really miss all of them. I don't know, it's just so hard to think straight when 5 people you loved all died in 5 months. I wish I could tell you that I have had an easier time with the deaths but it isn't true. I wish I could say I don't have my moments but that isn't true either. I don't know how long it will be before life feels normal again. This year marks a year since I lost my Aunt and her son. This year marks two years since Donna passed. And 6 years since I lost my Tia and an Uncle. It seems that with 6 years having come and gone that it would be easier but it's not. I still miss them you know? There were so many unanswered questions. So many things I wanted to say but didn't have the last chance. My heart is heavy as I miss the ones i deeply love. There is something that I have found that I love these people more today then ever before. I don't know if it's because they are gone now or because my love for them has simply grown? It's hard to say but I know for sure these are hard times for me. It all happened so fast and so rapid it was hard to handle it all. Now as I work through my emotions and pick up the broken pieces it's painful. These pains have of course brought me so close to Jesus yet it doesn't make it any easier. I guess that's where my head's at right now. I have a heavy heart as I grieve once again the loss of those I love. Sure I grieve quite often but this time of the year always makes it especially hard on me. I have to just keep focused on God and pray for some sort of comfort. When God chooses the painful process will become easier. 

-Love Ariana