A ramble

These were the days that I waited for that dreadful phone call. When I was scared to move because I knew that in a moment it could all be gone. In a matter of minutes all of the feelings could come back. And they have. They continue to year after year. They haunt me and remind of what once was and the pain that enveloped me. The feelings of wanting to punch a wall. Of wanting to throw my phone across the room. To reply to that text and say "it isn't true". Tell them she's still here. To fight the urge to believe that this is all a dream that one day I will wake up and she will be home. To pretend we have all healed and that our grief has ended. Oh but the lies I live when I force myself to believe she is going to walk in the door. How cold and utterly alone I felt after the news. The shock was to hard for me to cry at first. I just wanted to scream. To blame someone but there wasn't anyone to blame. Life ran it's course and hers came to an end. I remember the crying spurts I had that day. I cried before school. I stopped long enough to put make up on. Then the hugs and "I'm Sorry's" came when I got to school and man did I loose it again. I remember every detail from what I was wearing to how cold it was outside. I remember how hard it was to breathe and how it felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. I remember trembling as I opened the text message and as I read it how I hung my head. All of these memories can feel so distant yet so fresh at the same time. I guess I had to let go to find God in a real way. It all just stinks so much.