The past two months!!

It's really an amazing feeling for me to come here and totally just unload and journal. God has been doing such a work in my life and I am completely honored that he would choose me to go through these difficult situations so I can grow! It's been a good feeling to wake up every morning and just be thankful to the Lord for his abundant blessings. Anyways, just about two weeks ago I snapped out of my culture shock. Yes nearly two months upon coming home from Ireland and I barely got back into the swing of things. This really hit me differently than it hit others on the team. It was a unique experience I can guarantee you that changed my entire life. I understand that some of this is not making sense at the moment but it is really one of those things that I can only kinda put into words. You know, that unique work God does in your life and you can only share it to a certain extent?? Anyhow, it took weeks and nearly a month to begin to articulate and even talk about Ireland. It was extremely hard to come home and get back into the swing of having my own personal devotion time. That was something that was required of us and we had a set time that was structured. It really kept me on track plus I was with awesome fellow believers 24/7. So being home away from all that makes it complicated, you have to survive spiritually on your own. But than again we are never really alone which brings me to my next point! I was in a state of complacency trying to comprehend what the Lord did in Ireland and what I had just seen. The mighty work of a mighty saviour!! It's much to personal to explain it all and to be honest I really do not have the words. God brought me into a real cool place about two weeks ago! Somehow through some stuff that was going on in my heart the Lord reached down and showed me something. He showed me that I was gonna need to trust him in a couple areas to get through the time away from the Irish (however long that is). First that his loving arms will keep those kids close to him ( the never ending lesson) and second that he will calm my heart when I miss them more than words can say. We have an unspeakable bond and having zero contact with anyone there makes it very difficult. Jesus continues to reach down to me and give me peace even when things are hectic. God has shown me something vital to life regarding death. As a few of you know only four days after I returned home from Ireland, my beautiful Aunt went home to meet Jesus. Than only three weeks ago her son Josh passed away at the age of 35. The truth is that I have lost 6 people close to me in a year! This is super difficult for someone so young to handle, but God has been at work through it in a year. One thing I have come up with? Death was not supposed to be a natural part of life, I have stated this many times before. So I end with this it hurts and it hurts like crazy. However, it brings us closer with our Jesus as well as pressing our hearts to bring more people into his kingdom. I don't have the answers as to why I have had to deal with all this death and to be honest I am very happy I don't. I am not sure I would be able to handle or even fathom the answer. I am content to know my Jesus has a beautiful plan and loves me beyond measure.

That is all for now :)

Love Ayana <3

Update

Wow, so I haven't written in awhile and I have been wanting to for awhile lol. So I was at a party the other night and Stephanie told me she reads my blog and i was like =O and than Audrey told me she reads it so I decided to post. Uhm Stephanie wanted an update on my blog about this so why not! I have a boyfriend yes it's true lol. Uhmmm what else has been going down in life??? I just finished speed reading class this past week, got an A :). I got sick like I think two weeks ago. That was the first head cold of the season and not gonna lie, it felt good just to rest. Schools going really really good! I have been in crazy memorizing mode for "Night Chills", my next show. That performance will be on January 15th and 16th but we have to have most of it memorized before the end of November. Kinda sorta really hectic!! But yes it's fun. Uhmmmm hmmmmm lol this weekend is Halloween and I am pretty excited about that. I will fo sho post pics of my costume before heading off to hallelujah night.
Well that's all for now.
Lotsa Love, Ayana <3

Urgh!

I have all these drafts of blog posts that I have been meaning to write and haven't gotten around too. Ahhh life is just so nuts right now!!

My call at this time

It's been months and it feels like decades since I last stepped out onto the missions field. Not that this is a first, after October 5th 2008 until April 2009 I was called home instead of elsewhere. Than the Lord took me to wonderful places including San Fran and Ireland. But it was hard way way hard to be home for those six months and with absolutely no connection with the missions field. That was a very difficult time in my journey and I wasn't in any shape to leave my home. This time it's different, I don't feel a strong call to Mexico anymore. No matter where I go or what I do San Francisco is always on the front of my mind. I can't explain the connection God gave me with that place. My prayer since August has been that the Lord would lead me back there before the end of the year. I spoke with my host family and had arrangements to stay there. All I needed was to catch the flight and take the leap of faith to do a missions trip all alone. But God has been closing that door and to be honest I really don't know where I am headed when it comes to this. My prayer at the moment is that the Lord will show me whether my calling is Mexico or Local Outreach for December. However, putting that all aside God has been showing me one thing in my two months away from the field........ this is my mission field and right now it's my family. It is to come alongside my parents and help them. To be the best witness I can be to my brothers and sisters. And most importantly to be fervently praying for my family. For the wayward and for strength for my parents to continue in the amazing job they are doing. And yes in answer to your last question..... God is doing amazing work in my life and breaking me, re-shaping me, and showing me his plan slowly. So for now this is where God wants me, at home ministering to my family and youth group. He is doing a great work in me and I know he is preparing me for something. So I trust that in his timing he will take me out of this current field and into another. Until than I praise him and flourish where he has planted me. Make the most of every moment he has given me and learn important things that I can use to minister to others. I share all of this with a heart of humility, as the Lord has humbled me greatly through it.
Love Ayana <3

Holy Father, continue to break me! Mold me Dear Lord! And please through this don't allow me to fall away. Hold me tight and stop me when I run. Amen!

Beautiful In God's Eyes

Hmmm, where do I begin?? If I were to sit here and write every single thing in detail that the Lord has been showing me, well we'd be here all day. :) Not sure if anyone has that kinda time =p. Anyways, Jesus has been breaking me a lot lately. Showing me the hard stuff and humbling me through it as well. That my friends is really a story for a different day. Since my return from Ireland, the Lord has placed a urgent need in my heart to begin to learn how to become a woman of God. I think it was the example the sweet leaders in Ireland were showing as well as the beautiful strength of my Mother. I recently started reading Proverbs 31 and just finished the other day. That was a hard chapter to read, to pick apart every verse and what that really means. God showed me through that just a small glimpse of what it means to be a Godly wife, how to run my home, support a husband, and be an overall servant. Not saying any of this like I am expecting to get married in the next few years, but when and if God chooses to bless me with that I will be trained in who to be. Than this past Sunday Pastor Tony taught a sermon on the role of a woman according to God. It is disgusting and completely appalling to realize what the world is feeding us about the role of a woman. They say we are supposed to be at the top above our husbands and all men. So much for the scripture that says "wives submit to your husbands". Why are we changing the scripture, the one that is God breathed? Makes no sense to me, but that is the world we live in. The last thing is this amazing book I have been reading "Beautiful in Gods Eyes" by Elizabeth George. It is an amazing book and I would recommend it to anyone who is really seeking the Lord on being who they are created to be. It walks through the practical steps of becoming a woman of the Lord and clearly explaining Proverbs 31. With all that God is showing me on this topic of being the girl he has called me to, it also so difficult. It is such a journey and has become my number one mission right now!!

Hello October

Eeek I am so excited, it's finally October. I think I am most excited because Fall is my favorite time of the year. I woke up this morning to the beauty of wind and cool air =D. It's actually starting to feel like fall. October is usually a crazy month. I am not sure why. Maybe it's the rehearsals, the Hallelujah prep work, and intense school work. I am not to sure, I just know that October (yea even with the busyness) is my favorite month :). This October is unfortunetly bringing back some horrific memories. Memories of a situation I have yet to even work through. No, I haven't worked through the feelings, the grief, the sorrow, the regret, the confusion, and every other feeling death brings. Somehow in the midst of every difficulty God has given me the strength I didn't know I would ever have. The strength to make it into another October, a year after one of my life's hugest tragedy's took place. I guess even though I am extremely excited for fall, it's also a difficult and hurtful process. I was recently asked if every month on the sixteenth or every October would be hard. I didn't know how to respond, because I simply don't know the answer. I didn't know how I would make into another October let alone into a new week after the incident. I don't carry the answers to the hard things in life, but God does and that is why I keep going. He has a sweet and wonderful plan (why do we always loose sight of that?). And he's never gonna let go of me. So yes this past year has been a hard and painful journey, but God was always present. Even when it felt like I couldn't make it another hour and even when I was in pure denial of my loss. So the God I serve is an amazing one and I am here to say I am thankful for another October. I am looking forward to a new October and what the Lord has in store for me. I'll admit it's a bit scary......but He's On His Throne :)
Love Ayana <3