Difficult Moments and Choices

Here I am again at square one, just when I think I got it all figured out I fine myself back where I started. I thought I healed from Donna's death and I would be the smiley, bubbly, happy Ayana everyone knows. WOW was I wrong. I learned last night that apparently pride comes before a fall. I wasn't attempting to be prideful, just trying to heal so I was myself again. Don't get me wrong I have done a lot of healing but there is one thing I still can't handle. Not to long ago in a recent post I stated the following: "I finally got back into worship which was a huge step for me. It hurt like crazy! I won't lie it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I ended up in tears as the raw memories came back". Yes, I lied to myself and I am coming before all of you now telling the truth. Sure I worked up the courage to lead worship for the first time after Donna's passing. However, that was the ONLY time I ever did it after everything happened. I had convinced myself that if I did it once I would be okay. I was but the fact of the matter is I never did it again. I kept telling myself before church each week "you need to lead worship tonight". But when that real opportunity was there, I pushed away as quietly as I could. I knew I wasn't going to be able to face this fear yet (sad truth, I know). Last night I was put in a position that made it nearly impossible to escape. We were short handed in the children's ministry and I didn't want to be at church. The leaders in desperate need asked me to help in the third grade class. I complied and everything was okay until we walked the kids to Court of Praise for worship. We started practice with the kids for the all church Christmas potluck. The worship team ( which I obviously was not a part of last night) did the Mariah Carey song and went on to offering. When the song offering started to play I told myself I wouldn't have a problem with this song. Yet once again I WAS WRONG so wrong :(. I ran out of the COP fighting back the tears, that I so desperately wished would go away. I don't understand how to handle this. I don't know if I will make it through to the potluck. How am I supposed to lead the kids in front of our whole congregation if I am not even strong enough to hear the song?? Lastly, I have no idea if I will ever step foot on that stage again and lead the sweet kids in worship to my saviour. At first I told myself that I needed to continue in worship in Donna's honor. However, at this point the signs are unclear and I have no idea where to step from here. If I make my next step and It's not of God I would be so upset. I need clarity as that is so evident :). Please friends think of me in your prayers as I make to important decisions.
Love Ariana <3